Moonlight

3:39 am

dont know why...
but i have this nagging urge to fly,

dont know why...
I sit and feel the time pass me by,

dont know why...
but i tell myself not to cry...

3:41 am

Well, its been ages since my last post, i guess been to pre-occupied to actually post something, maybe i have had nothing to say, i guess until now.

My tenure here in Cardiff is only a few months till its end, a part of me wishes i could stay, while another part wants to leave, and start a new chapter, i dont know whats in store for me these next few months and after, but insyaAllah i believe that there is something, akin to the picture i posted above. That strain of light alond the darkness...

cliche'd, i know but pardon me...

I am glad to say that new friendships have been formed, new lessons learned, and i am one step closer, though how close i don't know, to finding out who i am, the things i stand for, what i am looking for...

But as i sit here and listen to Moonlight, i know that there is that glimmer, that feeling of posibilities and answers, to questions that i dont even know...

I miss them, i love them...

See you soon...

till then,

live...

The Gig @ Sheffield

Hi all, in a weeks time, Apocalypse Kaw Kaw with its new line-up will make its debut live performance to the WORLLD!!! well, in Sheffield la, hehehhe. so y eah, come one come all, rock on!

thesheffieldgig.blogspot.com

soalan cepumas

"No I am not the man i used to be lately..."

well lets see whether i can write some substantial stuff in this entry.

Its been two months or maybe slightly more than that since i came back for my third and final year.

I must say that its been an interesting year. Interestingly enough, i met a whole lot of different people. and experienced a whole lot more than my two years here combined. and i am glad for that.

It all has led me to think about my life, and what i want out of it. and i am slowly figuring it out.


"you met me at an interesting time..."

relationship talks have been somewhat of a cliche, but hey, sometimes we cant run away from them can we? What do you want in a relationship? figure that out yet? Are girls all that they seem to be, or is there this whole other side that we are just not seeing? or so we think...

"if my past is a sign of your future, you should be warned before i let you inside..."

Are we judged by our mistakes or by our triumphs? Do we live up to our expectations or the expectations of others? is it ever enough... can we change by learning from our past, or are they meaningless rhetoric musings of our tainted present?

"hold on to whatever you find baby, i dont trust myself with loving you..."

i dont.

p/s: This is to 2007, insyaAllah, it will be good.

The MIddle

6 more months....


insyaAllah

Now What?

"the first step to getting what you want out of life is this: decide what you want" - ben stein

what now?

Tired Rusty Ultimatum Sanctioned Toads (Chapter 1)

picture by negative-vision deviantart.com


Tennesse Williams said

"We have to dsitrust each other. Its our only defense against betrayal"

Do we not need trust at all, where in all essence is the root from which betrayal stems?

Why do we feel betrayed? It's because we put trust in someone, and that trust is abused. So is it as simple as Mr. Williams' quote?

Questions questions questions...

Now, i would really like to believe Mr. Williams, but again, do you think its easy going through life without someone/anyone to trust. I would like to believe that its a yes and no, the way it is with most things. In relation to trust, trust is earned. Its a reward so to say, to those acquaintances or people who have proven to you that your trust in them is warranted. Trust is something sacred that should be cherished, a gift given only to the deserving few. But then again, we must ask, how do we know who to give this trust to? That is something, sadly, i cannot answer for all... we know, only we know.

The reason why i say this, i mean why i said the whole preceding pragraph is because the few people we trust, the less chance of betrayal, for betrayal comes from people who dont deserve your trust, someone you barely know maybe, but still in ignorance trust is still given to them? but in my opinion, its not so much ho you trust, the point of me writing this is to examine the consequences of that betrayal.

Is it that simple to simply disregard that eprson and ignore them, cut them off completely from your life, i admit, that is indeed the desired route. However, sometimes we are faced, or put in a situation where this is just not possible, as this person could be at that point in time, someone who is "inextricably" ( ahahha, i am laughing silently as there is an inside joke regarding the use of this word) linked to us that we cant really afford to cut them off. So what should we do then, its not so much what we do, but what should the betrayer do? Sometimes they should try everything in their power or anything they can to earn back our trust, or in some cases, extreme cases i must say, we simply just close the door and leave them outside. What i am trying to ssay, something which is prevailent throught this blog as well as my principle in life is that there are always consequences for everything that we do, and in the case of betrayed trust, the consequences are bad, and it should be avoided at all cost.

I will get back to this topic of trust and betrayal soon, this shall we say, is just a teaser, this topic willl be revisited.

Fear Against Institutionalisation Towards Heresy

picture by Clayton Hansen: istockphoto.com

Issues of faith and religion have been ripe issues among the circle of people who i have been dealing with the past couple of weeks. so i am just updating this blog after months of silence just to rationalize some stuff.

What is faith? How do we quantify it? How do we acknowledge the level of faith that we have to determine how religious or faithful we are to whatever it is we believe in?

I ask these questions not beause i seek their answers but because i seem to find that sometimes people often misconstrue the principle and point of what faith truly is.

Faith, at least in my very very humble opinion, is up to our principles that we have as individuals or in lay man;s terms, self-belief. I do not need to abstain myself from the sins of the world to prove that i am faithful, nor need i contain myself from people who "seem" to be unfaithful to validate my belief in my religion and what not. i have enough belieif in myself and my faith that i am in control of my actions and that if i do anything, it is down to my conscious decision.

Faith should not control our lives, it should supplement it, complement it. And sadly, some people dont really see that. And when i say it boils down to one's belief in one's own self, i mean that while we should take into conisderation peoples opinions (sometimes) we should always remember that it is us, I, or me, who eventually decides, and how we lead our lives or how we make our choices dont really or shouldnt realy be controlled by the thoughts of other people.

We talk alot about how we are our own individual, the need to NOT conform, but why are there people who hypocritically do not practice what they preach? i cant possibly say its due to the lack of education, as most of us in our way, are educated to a degree. well, i guess there is no real point in me goin on and on with regards to why why why, i guess the reason why i am writing this is just to encourage my friends out there, to think...

it is said that absoulte power corrupts absolutely...

Eric Hoffer once said

"Absolute faith corrupts as absolutely as absolute power"

think about that...

continuum

picture by Bev Hodson


"we're slow dancing in a burning room..."

Well, i partly named this entry continuum because i recently purchased John Mayer's new album and on a side note its a beautiful album. But on a serious note, i chose continuum mainly because its been a month since i have comoe back to Cardiff and life is pretty much settled, friends have come and friends have gone but still i remain.

Looking back on my recent entries, it seems i have made it my intent to ensure that things go well this year. I know it won't be a smooth ride but i believe that if i work through it, and if i "pull some strings", things will be done.

"It's not the storm before the calm..."

I feel complete, content but at the same time...?

"i'll make the most out of all the sadness..."

Randomness has taken to be a theme for me and a friend this year in Cardiff and on some level i actually enjoy that, its good to be able to experience these random things and share it with friends.

"this is the deep and dying breath..."

here is to a good year, God Bless

49

"Merdeka!" - Tunku Abdul Rahman

49 years, thats how old Malaysia will be in a few days. i am only coming to 21 years of age, so ask me, what is Malaysian?

It is Merdeka month, and i hear alot on the radio and tv about what it is being a true Malaysian? What is the Malaysian Spirit? Everyone gives their answers, and while i appreciate them, i couldn't help but ask myself the same question and oddly enough, i couldnt answer. I have been thinking about it the whole day but still... no answer.

Now, does this mean i am less of a Malaysian because i couldnt answer that question? well, allow me to try and rationalize my thoughts.

In my honest opinion, why is there a need to validate our feelings towards our beloved country only once a year? why do we talk about unity among the multiple races we have here in malaysa if the other 364 days in the year we are all so caught up in the little things that in essence reflect badly or give a bad impression as to this so called "unity" that we are proud of? If we really are proud to be Malaysian and are in awe of the Malaysian spirit, we should be appreciative of the vision that led to the formation of our country in teh first place and never let that falter, for i believe that when Tunku stood up that podium and shouted those legendary words, he wasnt only speaking for the Malays, he was speaking on behalf a nation, our nation. Alot of us tend to forget this, tend to forget why and what brought us here in the first place.

Please dont misunderstand me and think that i am trying to be the "grinch" of Merdeka, but i am just being realistic here, i mean, studying overseas has indeed made me appreciate the finer things that Malaysia has to offer that i cant get in the UK, i am grateful for that, i am thankful that my friends are a mixed and varied bunch, i appreciate this everyday *although do not show it, but i am feeling it* and this is what we should do to celebrate our freedom and independence, every new day we get we should be thinking of that day when the hands of our forefathers were raised in unity, key word being unity. We often find the word unity only applies itself to the majority of people when there is a major tragedy or catastrophe at hand, should it be that way?

i dont think so...

So i say, to celebrate 49 years of freedom, lets all take a minute and loook back, on our history, and maybe we get to learn something, it may be something we have learned before, but once in a while its good to be reminded. Reminded of what? Well, thats something only you can answer.

Happy Birthday Malaysia, God Bless!

Energetic Mental Oneness

"I have learned that you cannot want everything and do everything at the same time" - Oprah Winfrey, O Magazine (Unknown Issue)

Balance. Its the thing i think we all strive for but unfortunately takes alot outta us to achieve it. The thing is, can we really find that balance that we all look for?

I think we can. It boils down to a sense of realisation and maturity that only experience can give us. Sometimes we take things for granted only to find out what really matters in life when things around us f^%£k up. So i say, we can never really force certain things in our lives but to just let things happen the way it happens and only then when we learn is when we strive to make things better. BUT, its always good to not only learn from our own experiences, but from others as well.

*ramble*

Higher Enigmatic Altitude Lateralus

Its been a good few months since i last updated my blog, truth be told, i just havent had the time.

2 months, 5 incissions and one leg cast later, i think i may just have found the time. heh. So now, the new academic year is upon us.

"i had no little or no social life when i was in uni, but hey, look at me, i am being oaid shit loads of money now" - PWC senior partner, forgot his name.

This statement has somewhat laid an imprint in my mind and its something that i will never forget as this statement makes a whole lotta sense. I mean, most of us, we go overseas, we get the freedom we have always wnated and sometimes we tend to misuse that freedom, i mean there are of course some of us that balnce it well, and i guess i am one of those who doesnt really strike a fine or good balance, i mean i passed my second year, but i guess as they usually say, i couldve done better.

So now with renewed vigour, i hope that i have understood a few things and that i have done what i have done and will do what i am supposed to do.

HEAL

Holistic Appreciation Towards Energy

Always remember others may hate you but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself.
Richard M. Nixon (1913 - 1994), in his White House farewell

Hate, its such a strong word, it has a strong effect on people, i mean what does it take for someone to hate another person?

They say that you hate people because u see something in them that you hate about yourself in a way, i guess to a certain extent that is true, but that cnat always be right... there has got to be something else that drives a person to hate; jealousy? spite? what? i dont know because i guess this particular topic or issue is pretty much subjective.

A few of the people around me claim that i care about what people think of me, i admit generally i do, i mean if there is someone here who says that they are completely unaffected in any way from what people think of them and that it doesnt bother them, they are just plain hypocrites who are trying to act all macho and cool, honestly.

I mean, like i said i do care, but i care enough to just want to find out what is it they think of me... i dont care if its bad or good, but i do want to know what they think of me, simple.

in relation to Mr. Nixon's quote; we dont have to succumb to hate just because someone hates us, cause thats just their game, and we should try very hard not to fall victim to their trap. U can ask yourslef why they hate you, but stop there, u never know, u may learn a thing or two about yourself but at the end of the day, it aint worth thinking too much about why people hate or dislike you, thats just the way we are. deal with it.

Journey

Pcture courtesy of flickerflamephotos.blogspot.com


They say its the journey that matters and that the destination aint really part of the experience...

How far do you guys believe this to be true?

do i believe this? well if the destination aint important, then why the hell do we have to journey in the first place?

i think that the both the journey and the destination are both equal parts in the experience. The destination is the penultimate, the goal, the end of that road, it is literally the end of the journey, hence the destination is what makes the destination worth it.

the questions we need to ask ourselves are why? why are we making this journey? what is our destination?

in fact the questions should be the other way round by asking what the destination is, the journey is important as well. I mean, it is through the journey that we learn,fail,succeed, live, die, prosper, perish, it is the journey that makes the achievement of reaching that destination that much sweeter when we get there.

The picture above if you notice shows a slight curve, winding road u may say, with a hint of bright white light, i am not gonna give you the cliched discussion as to what that whole picture means... it is open to your interpretation. Look at the picture and think about your destination, and how are you going to take that journey.

"One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things." –- Henry Miller

And after you reach that destination, u see things in a new way because of that journey. So yes, live for the moment, enjoy the journey, but always remember, there is a concequence for every decision you mak ethroughout that journey, so choose wisely.

Impossible is nothing

Few things are impossible to diligence and skill. Great works are performed not by strength, but perseverance.
Samuel Johnson

Six Feet Under

Very few TV shows can do what SFU has done for me...

Lately, i have been thinking about DEATH alot, i know its a morbid and dark subject but lately its just been on my mind, when i was sick this past week, i actually felt as though i would have died and was scared of the fact. Alhamdulillah, i am fine.

A friend asked me what i thought Death was, and i simply said inevitable, which is true.

SFU;

A criticaly aclaimed tv series from HBO created by Alan Ball *of American Beauty fame* regarding the lives of the Fisher family who run a funeral home. The show primarily deals with death and the lives and story arcs of the caharacters are in one way affected by the deaths around them in one way or another.

i wont go into plot details as some of you who read this *if anyone does* may not have watched it and i wouldnt want to spoil it.

Needless to say, i watched the last few episodes of the Final Season as well as the series finale episode. I have never wept and cried as hard as i did when i watched these episodes; as i was wacthing it i just thought of the vulnerbaility and mortality of human life and in that we should always live for the day as we never now what will happen in our lives in the next second, minute, hour or whatever.

What i have learnt from this show is that , Life is important, we should fear death but not let that fear rule our lives. Being a Muslim, i do believe that there is a life after death in which we must prepare for and i will strive to find that balance in preparation for the two.

Apart from that , i have also learned to appreciate the people in our lives more, for as i mentioned we never know when we will lose them or when they will lose us. I discovered that through the loss, we sometimes will regret not having talked to them because we thought they were jerks, or irritating and what not, for once they are gone, we will never have the chance of actually letting them know that despite all we do indeed love and care for them. I am specificaly talking about the people around us who we care for and love, not the backstabbing bastards that occupy the same air space.

Always look on the bright side of life and look at the best part of their lives and our own, appreciate it...

Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life.
Bertolt Brecht (1898 - 1956), The Mother, 1932


This post is dedictaed to Uncle Adil (Al Fatihah), May Allah Bless him and his Family

Baik Punya Cilok

" eh, best sial Baik Punya Cilok, you gotta watch it dude, its hillarious"

Baik Punya Cilok? I was quietly thinking to myself and wondering the credibility of this statement, i have not been a fan of Malaysian Films, well.. the recent ones like GK1-3 and all this ANak Mami and all that, i mean, there are people who appreciate those films. let me tell you now, i am not one of those people.

SO yes, here we go, before anything, let me introduce you the film's premise.

4 fishing buddies, best friends, each with totally different backgrounds decide to rob a pawn shop in order to "steal back" one of the characters Grandmother's locket that sadly got hit wit some pretty high interest with regards to the debt. So thats the story... kind of

I must say, i wa stold that this is something like Lock Stock, so i wwatched this film with the initial feeling that it could have been a Melayu version of the show in some way. I must say, in my opinion although that this film has elements reminiscent to those caper buddy comedy films such as Lock Stock, Snatch and what not this film posessed some original interesting elements.

The story had some pretty interesting twists, with what i must say full of interesting characters, look out for the "jiwang" hard man of the gang played so well by Awie.

One thing i enjoyed about this film was the humour and the dialogue *which over the past few days have been quoted endlessly among us friends* , it wasnt over the top and the humor was obvious yet somewhat subtle, something which i personally enjoy, There were some brilliant performances as i said by the likes of Awie and some notable cameo appearances by Harith Iskandar and Ida Nerina and many more.

I am running short of time here as i have to get back to my long delayed essay(s) , so this is basically just a shout out to watch this film.

gotta run

Captured Life

Captured Life

islet

islet

do check out this blog, has soem cool and well taken pictures.

A Cloud Of Unknowing

Painting by John Lynch " A Cloud of Unknowing "

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

-One of Murphy's Laws-

Never get too comfortable with anything or anyone. You never know what may happen.

Diversify

i will be posting and updating this blog with simple quotes and one liners, hopefully to those of you who read it you will be able to expound and interpret the meaning of these posts yourselves; for life is the interpretation of the things around us.

Cheers